14 Letter to Myself by Travis McCulloch

One year and eight months from today, I will go in front of the parole board after being incarcerated for the last 28 years. I am afraid–not of getting let out–but of planning for my future and then not. I am afraid of planning, giving my family a sense of hope, and then not getting out. I am also afraid of being okay if I do not get a parole date.

I want to plan for the future, make living arrangements, and prepare my parole plan. But to do this, I have to have hope I will get a date. I have let other people know about my hopes and dreams. I have a problem with this. I do not want to hurt my family anymore. I have already hurt them beyond repair. So, I feel like by letting them know my dreams, if I am not let out, I will hurt them again. If they know I have dreams and want to get out, it will kill them if I was denied parole.

I also do not want other inmates to know of my dreams. If I was not to get a date, then I would have to tell them I am alright when I probably will not really be alright. I feel like it is just easier to pretend like I am okay with whatever happens. Because in reality, I will be.

In reflecting on what I just wrote, I feel like I was honest with myself; I got emotional. I learned that I am scared about all aspects of parole and getting out or not. In the end, I do have to plan, and in order to accomplish that, I will have to involve my family. I still need a little more time to think about it though. No matter what happens in the end, my family and I will be okay. I believe freewriting is something I will do again in the future. While it did not help me solve this problem, I was able to be more honest with myself.