15 Letter to My Addiction by Kenneth Jones

Hello,
I remember when we met. You answered every question about life I had ever had. I was eight years old and already dying inside. I hated my life, who I was, and how I was treated. I felt like I was a burden to those around me and it would be better for everyone if I was dead. I wanted to die. You breathed life into me. It only took once, after spending time with you, to know we would be together forever.

When I spent time with you, life did not have to hurt quite so bad. I liked, no, loved who I was when we were together. I felt understood. You knew my pain, my fears, and accepted me for all my faults. All the worries I had drifted away into oblivion. At this point in my life, I thought you could do no wrong; it was perfection. It wasn’t until years later I learned what you really were, and what I thought was love, was nothing more than a lie.

We spent so much time together I couldn’t tell where you ended and I began. You were a part of me, or maybe you were me. If I am being honest, sometimes I couldn’t tell. When I was with you, it was almost like an out-of-body experience. I couldn’t believe some of the things I said or did. When I was with you, I was capable of anything. I did the impossible.

For years you were my answer to everything. The more time we spent together, your influence over me grew stronger and stronger. I never wanted to admit you were bad for me. It was the best and worst co-dependent relationship I have ever been in. My inner monster came out every time you were around, and a demon came out every time you left. You brought out the best and very worst parts of me, or maybe you gave me the courage to be who I really was and I just didn’t want to admit it.

I tried for years to leave you, but I couldn’t. Every time I sobered up from your lies, life came crashing down. The realization of the person I was and what I had done was more than I could handle. I wanted nothing more than to escape–from the people I had hurt and the destruction I had left behind. I often found myself crawling back wishing you would take the pain away.

Feeling was no longer an option. Feeling brought thoughts of suicide like nothing I had ever experienced. Death becomes a very real option for those of us who cannot conquer our demons. But you know that. You have made a career out of that very thing. Spending time with you became the only way I could function in life; it was the only time I did not feel like dying.

I was powerless. My life had been unmanageable for a long time. The smoke was so thick I could barely see the reflection of the bridges I had burned. When I felt lonely, when I felt weak, when life was too much to bear, you knew exactly what to say. The deception you would whisper into my ear was exactly what I needed to hear to get me to come back. When I felt strong, you knew just how to break me down. I believed I needed you in my life, or you made me feel confident enough that we could be together and things would be different.

Calling you a master of deception and lies does not do any justice to who and what you really are. I thought for years you were the problem. I wish that were true, but it is not. Drugs, addiction, and the need to escape are only symptoms of the problem. The problem was me. The problem was the other personality that lived inside me–the thing that was trying to take over, to destroy me, but you knew that. You wanted to do what you want, when you wanted, and how you wanted. You did not care who you hurt or what you tore down in the process. I can see that now.

I finally have you pegged. I can finally put a name to the problem. I am no longer treating the symptom and getting nowhere. I am fighting the problem and making real progress. You still show up from time to time when I least expect it, but I know you now. You are me, and I am you.

Your lies no longer have the same effect when I hear them. I know they are from the part of me I want nothing to do with. You used to be the justification for everything that was wrong with my life and with me, the reason why I was a victim and why life was not fair. I believe everyone has a version of you inside of them. Some people are able to control it; some are not so fortunate. Unfortunately, your lies are honey, and I took the bait. I fed you for years, and you became strong and uncontrollable.

Now you are every reason I have to change. My life is getting better. I can finally tell us apart. You are my struggle, my negativity, and the poison that creeps into my mind and my heart when I am alone. You are a part of me, and that is why I have to stay sober. Getting drunk or high makes it so much easier for you to take control, and I can’t allow that to happen ever again. I can no longer let you surface and create victims out of those around me. I have to remain vigilant.

This is, literally, a fight for my life. No more guilt, no more shame, no more regret. This is the motto I now live my life by. I know you will never give up trying to take control of my life. I will fight you with every ounce of strength I have. I will always hold you close. It’s not because I want you back but because you keep your friends close and your enemies closer. But you will not get the best of me. I am stronger now, and this is goodbye.

Signed,

The better half of the person you wished you could be.