18 Change Can Happen by Robert Wilde

The topic of forgiveness can be difficult to discuss because it’s so personal, and resurfacing certain life events and behaviors can be challenging for anyone. But learning to forgive oneself is an important factor in one’s personal growth. Specifically, learning how to forgive myself has given me opportunities to grow in ways I never thought possible.

I’ve lived a life many people will never understand. I am an ex-gang member. The things I’ve seen or been through will leave an imprint in my mind for the rest of my life. My daily existence used to be fast and unpredictable for many years.  “Tomorrow” could, and often did, bring the unexpected, which was never a good thing.

Just over five years ago, I decided to drop out and leave behind that lifestyle and the people it brought into my life. Exiting something I believed in for sixteen years was just as hard as coping with the decisions and actions I made during that time. On the one hand, I was contradicting my core beliefs, and I truly felt like I was letting down everyone who looked up to me for all those years. On the other, there was the guilt of how many lives I had ruined or affected in a negative way by the choices I had made. Lastly, there was my family and what I had put them through. I realized how selfish I had been for exposing them to such a chaotic way of life. A mother should never have to worry about losing her child on a daily basis whether it be to prison or death.

So, forgiveness has been hard for me. It’s something that did not come overnight. I struggled for years to accept the new me and forget the old me. There were times when I felt like the biggest failure for deciding to leave that lifestyle. To this day, I still worry about being judged by those I was once close to although their opinions shouldn’t matter to me anymore. My family and those who are there for me on a daily basis deserve more out of me than any so-called friends. Yet, this is an inner battle I may deal with for the rest of my life though I will say it has been the most fulfilling journey as well.

Ultimately, I have been able to forgive myself and atone for my past. The way I do this is simple: I give back to the community I live in. I help when I can, and I give those who struggle with problems of their own my time and listen to what they have to say. I share my own story because it’s impactful, and I show those around me that change can happen and that if they truly want it, it’s theirs to take.

This facility has helped me tremendously in my personal growth, and if it wasn’t for the staff and the programs offered here, the process of forgiveness would have been much harder. My advice to others is to be true to who you are no matter how hard things get. Be the real you, not the one people want you to be. Also, accept the help from those who are willing to be there by your side.

We can’t change the past, but we can change our future by making better decisions and being better versions of ourselves.