17 Someday Down the Road by Jonathan Whitney

For the longest time, I have been living with the guilt and shame of all the crimes that I have committed.

But it wasn’t always this way. The path that I was on at the beginning was the track that I wanted to take. I was set up to go into JROTC Air Force when I entered high school, but instead I chose a different path. I was doing drugs at a young age, and I chose to get drunk all the time when I moved in with my uncle.

Some people that I have spoken to, they told me they committed crimes as a result of peer pressure. But not me–I chose to get drunk, get high, and commit crimes. My life has been filled with mistakes that were of my own doing.

There are times that I fear I might go back down that dark path once I get out of prison, but I can’t let that fear take over my life.

As for people judging me, I am pretty used to it because after being incarcerated for as long as I have, I am judged all the time on the inside. So, once I get out, I know that I will be judged by people out there, too.

It is hard to forgive yourself when you have hurt the people who love you. That said, I’m blessed to have some non-judgmental people in my life–my mom and two sisters. I have hurt my mom emotionally, and she still loves me and forgives me for my faults. Granted, it has been four years since I have talked to them, but I can share anything with mom and my sisters whom I love very much.

As for friends who seek forgiveness for themselves, all that I think they have to do is state that they are sorry for what they have done and try to fix it so they don’t go down those same paths again.

I know that I should have that same mindset for me, but I have a harder time taking my own advice. As for forgiving myself, I have been trying to do that. But then I think about what I have done, and I mentally beat myself up for attempting self-acceptance.

Maybe just maybe, someday down the road, I can forgive myself.