8 Personal Narrative

One Step at a Time

Citllali Juarez

Leaving home. Just the sound of it gave me chills every time I heard or uttered that phrase. Up to that point I had lived with my parents my entire life. It has always been Dad, Mom, younger brother, and me all under the same roof; which is why this has been such a difficult change for my family and I, especially for my mom. My mother is my best friend, my motivation; she is who I look up to, my inspiration. I remember the feeling of terror that would run through my body when I was asked, “When do you leave?” It didn’t feel real until the night before leaving when we started packing up the truck with all the things that were coming with me to this new place called “home.”
I never thought this day would come. But it did. April 15, 2023, 7pm. I remember my mom giving me her blessing with tears in her eyes and the warmth of my dad’s hug as he wiped tears from his eyes. There they were, walking away, leaving me in this new “home.” It felt like my world was collapsing into a million pieces right there and then, and I couldn’t do anything about it. This was the start to my new journey, the start of what we call life. I remember laying that night in the room that had been mine for eighteen years. It was the last night I’d be sleeping there, these walls filled with memories. After tonight it will now be my school vacation room. How could this be possible?
Attending college was never a doubt in my mind. I knew I had to go. I was aware that my parents were here to help better my future, to give us the opportunities they didn’t have. One of those opportunities was college. Towards the end of my junior year in high school, I started to question myself. I had a year to get this started, to decide where I wanted to go, to have at least an idea of what I wanted to do. I felt lost. I heard people talking about college applications, scholarship essays, FAFSA, but I didn’t have a clue how any of it worked. But that same year I was able to attend the Hispanic Youth Leadership Institute. I was the only junior who received a $60,000 dollar scholarship to College of Idaho. It felt like a full ride until I saw the prices of tuition for College of Idaho. This award introduced me to the scholarship process. This is when I opened my eyes and reality hit me. College was not going to be cheap, but I still didn’t know when, how, or where to start applying for scholarships.
I remember walking into my counselor’s office and meeting Jamie Hopkins for the first time. I never thought I would be in there at least three times a week for information on scholarships. She was the person who started my late night journeys of typing essays, asking for recommendation letters, ordering my transcripts, and pinning down every requirement needed for those scholarship applications. It was tough, fulfilling all the details but it all paid off in the end when I sat next to my mom, dad and brother on awards night. Hearing my name, “Citllali Juarez,” called multiple times by different scholar donors made my heart feel a warmth that I’ll never have the words to explain. I felt proud. The smiles and tears on my parents’ faces paid off every minute dedicated to those applications. I will never forget the little girl who had to figure out how to apply to FAFSA, scholarships, colleges, and CNA programs all by herself. I will always look back on these accomplishments and use them to help others that might be starting a similar journey. Hearts full of pride but with sadness deep down knowing that graduation was around the corner. The thought of leaving home was always there. It never left my mind.
I woke up in a town 315 miles away from Mountain Home, Idaho, away from the people I have lived with for eighteen years. It’s only me now. I have to start a new life. It’s real. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” That question, asked to me since kindergarten, is now happening. I’m here to pursue the answer to that question: college. For me, it’s Lewis-Clark State College in Lewiston, Idaho. College is a new experience for me as a first-generation student. Neither my father nor my mother were able to graduate high school or pursue a college education. The ride of exciting, sad, and scary emotions since the minute the last semester of junior year in high school started. It has been difficult, but there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m here at LC State, pursuing a nursing major. To be a nurse is my dream. As a CNA and a student who job shadowed at a clinic, I was able to work and look over nurses’ shoulders. It’s a dream imagining myself as one. Still, sometimes I feel discouraged as I hear other nursing majors talk about the classes they are already in, like the dreaded A&P course. I’m still fulfilling the basics, which I feel disappointed about. I took Dual Credit classes in high school, but it feels like I didn’t take the right ones. I doubted myself and didn’t take the challenge. I feel like I’m behind and I doubt myself every day. I love nursing and that’s my dream career, but I’m terrified that I won’t be able to make it, that I won’t be able to pass any of the pre-req classes, or of not making it into the nursing program. My family and friends have so much faith in me but I’m worried about disappointing them, and I’m afraid to fail.
When I stepped foot out of my house, knowing my life was about to change, my heart tore into a million pieces, leaving me wordless. I’m completely aware it’s not going to be easy, but I’m not going to give up easily. My motivation is my family. This is for them. I look around every day and know that most of us here are in the same boat. I’m not alone. College is tough, but so am I. This is my dream. I know it’s going to be hard, but I pray every night that with the help of God I can make this dream come true. Anything and everything is possible. I will try my hardest and give it my all, and one day I will cross that stage as the RN I wish to be. I will make my parents’ past twenty years of hard work pay off, and make them proud!